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Bucket of Tears


How many buckets have I filled with tears for my family? Countless.  At first, it seemed I was crying more than not.  I cried the moment I woke up, I teared my entire commute to work, faced the window and wiped the tears away before others could see, I held my cry deep down for as long as I could in the office and when I couldn't hold it any longer, I cried in the handicap bathroom stall, I teared the entire way home from work, crawled into bed, and let myself sob as loud as I could because finally, finally, there was no one around to hear me cry.  I cried to no one.  I cried to someone.  I cried for nothing and I cried for everything.  I cried and found that I felt no better when I was finished crying, the way I sometimes do when I am stressed about the little things in life and just need a big cry to let the tension out.  I wasn't finished crying but my eyes had dried up and could no longer produce tears.  I cried inside without actually crying because my eyes could not produce my tears.  Good thing, I was running low on Kleenex.  I did what I could before it was time for bed, before I could retire in peace for some time.  I watched TV, stared at the ceiling, drowned myself in circular thinking, and drifted asleep.  I slept and I cried in my dreams.

With time, I cried less.  Still, I cried easily.  Hearing the "D" word when I least expected brought more tears.  Seeing intact families  in all their happiness made me sob.  I cried less but I was fragile, and almost anything seemed to rattle my calm.

A day would pass without my tears and it seemed strange.  Three days would pass without my tears and I would wait for the tears to return, as I knew they would.  With time, they visited less often.

Eventually, the crying stopped.

I write these words to let you know that I was there, I was filling buckets with tears.  I also want to let you know that the crying will subside.

It is okay to cry.  It is okay to let your parents see you cry.  It is okay to let your friends see you cry.  It is okay to let your children see you cry.  It is okay to cry in a public place surrounded by people you will never see again.  It is okay to cry alone.

How many buckets have I filled with tears for my family? Countless. Yet, one year later, I am okay.  You won't cry forever.  Eventually, your tears will let go and move on.

9 comments:

  1. I'm not quite sure how I found your post, but I wanted to say thank you!!! It's good to know that the tears will stop eventually!! Just found out my parents are getting divorced after 39 years, and my heart is breaking. I'll be back....

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  2. Well, I'm not sure how you found my blog either, considering I have no clue how to find it myself on Google. Perhaps the internet does not want my site to be found. Perhaps it has something to do with "indexing." Who knows.

    Lori, I don't think I ever truly felt broken hearted until I found about about my parents. I thought I had, but the break-up of my family hit me on a totally different level. It's hard to believe, but the tears with definitely subside, I promise. Hang in there.

    Also, thanks for commenting. I often feel I am writing to a wall. Your comment made my day.

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  3. I liked this very much!! :)
    A divorce happened so sudden, and the tears come when i least expect it.
    This made me feel a little more better, about crying that is. I know there is nothing wrong with crying, its natural.. and for the situation i shouldnt be ashamed anymore or try to hide my feelings.

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  4. I feel that, I thought there was something wrong with me for crying so much about something that didn't seem so terrible, it's not like I had all my limbs amputated or anything. It's interesting that you use the word "shame." I kept telling myself that I wasn't ashamed but I guess that is the perfect word to explain why I felt so guilty about crying. Wise insight.

    Thanks for visiting! Keep stitching! xx

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  5. It feels so good to know I'm not crazy...that there are other people who have dealt with this and come out okay on the other side...thank you.

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  6. You're very welcome. It hurts a lot but eventually it will hurt a little less, I promise. Keep stitching.

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  7. lol and ha ha's
    :) :) :) :)

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  8. thanks tizzzz! miss you much from south africa. mwa

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  9. Thankyou for this. I am in the middle of the crying stage at the moment. It's especially bad on the weekend- I tend to hold it together during the week at work but when there's nothing to distract me the tears flow. Just seeing other happy families can set me off and I can't seem to stop. Its only been 2 weeks so I hope this will pass in time. Keep up the blogging it's good to know I'm not alone

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