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ACODs are Adults: What's Your Point?


In the acronym ACOD, the keyword is “adult.”  You’re a grownup.  You can handle it.  Really.
 
I try to snap out of self-pity constantly because letting myself get emotional is an act of narcissism.  Divorce is about your parents, not you.  Right?

Maybe.

Maybe I am an adult in other ways than you and it so happens that the divorce of my parents was the trigger that shattered my world. Maybe I am not ready to deal with the inner workings of my parents’ divorce, something that a child is shielded from.  Maybe I need time to accept the fact that I have no control over the situation, I can only live with it.  Maybe I need a profound emotional journey to overcome this life event.

I know my parents did not do this to “break up my family,” destroy my perfect world or throw a wrench into Thanksgiving plans.  I don’t think it was “my fault,” and I don’t expect them to stay together on my account.  I try to forget and go on with life, believe me, I desire it more than you and I have no doubt that I will get there.

Divorce is an ugly miserable thing that upends your life, eradicates your daily routine and erases your plans for the future. 

Maybe I’m tired of constantly trying to explain to you why this is a big deal for me.  I don’t mean to come off as a passive-aggressive drama queen and I can’t just snap out of it. 

Maybe you should mind your own business.  I feel guilty enough as is.

25 comments:

  1. Thanks for this... it helps. A lot.

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  2. You're welcome. Thank you for the comment, just yesterday I spent time thinking about this blog and if I am crazy for writing it. I always assumed I was alone in feeling the way I do about all this family business and I wonder if I should be publicizing it at all. Knowing that I am not just kvetching in vain gives me confidence to keep writing. So again, thank you. A lot.

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  3. Ha, I guess it's another thing to prove that things happen when you least expect it... I would've bet my life earnings (which, granted, isn't much) a few days ago that I'd never be reading this blog, or anything about ACODs and here I am. This is so messed up. In any case, it's comforting to know I'm not alone and all these emotions I'm feeling are relatively normal. I love your writing and am totally bookmarking your blog. Congrats on the drumming, by the way. I took lessons a few years ago and loved it :)

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  4. Awesome blog. I just found it yesterday and already bookmarked it. My parents divorced two years ago and while I've been moving on, it is always hard over the holidays.

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  5. My mom told me yesterday that she wants to divorce my dad. I'm 28. It sucks. Of course my first thought was "does he know this?" He doesn't. I'm sure I have a long road ahead of me of my mom leaning on me to get her thru something that is in effect destroying the foundation I've built my life on. Thank you for posting this. There isn't enough support out there.

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  6. you are not alone... did not think I would be reading this even two days ago. My world is kind of shattered. Thank you for letting me know I am not alone

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  7. My parent's divorce was finalized Mar 9th and i'm 31. My whole life feels gray, like a veil pulled over my head, and now I finally see the stark reality, or something like that. It is so hard to heal when EVERYTHING reminds you of the future you will never have.

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  8. Hi! I experienced my parents divorce when I was in my early 20s, and now I want to write about this in my masters thesis. I can not find much literature on this, its NOTHING in norwegian (i´m from Norway), and I haven't seen a lot in english either...

    Do you have any suggestions for me? I will be grateful to get a reply..

    (and maybe I ask for participation from one or two of you later...:)

    Sincerely Lene

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    1. Took me a while to find this blog! I can only assume there is no literature as we are adults and presumably are not supposed to be affected by separation/divorce. Perhaps it is a the blog states we are adults and should be able to deal with pretty much anything or we fear that our friends/peers will tell us "your an adult get over it!".

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  9. Wow .....Not alone I gather.

    My dad walked out on my mom 5 weeks ago today after 40 years of marriage. I am struggling with it big style....have a newborn baby and i am 35. I am completely devestated. I feel like everything that I have based my life on is a total fabriaction. My dad has confessed to 20 years of affairs. So hard to talk to anyone because I am ashamed of him....He was my everything........I idolised him. My mom is in bits and talking so much. How are you guys coping ...Can't believe I have found thread on this

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    1. My parents split 8 months ago. I'm 32, married with 3 kids and I'm really struggling. My dad also had affairs. I found out today (not from him) that he moved in with his girlfriend that he left my mum for. I'm gutted. Heart broken. So disappointed in him. I hate that my mother had to tell me! He's just such a coward.

      I know you posted 3 years ago but how is it now? I can't see through the fog right now and my head just hurts

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  10. This stuff sucks, its been two years since my dad kicked my mom out. I was able keep it together and finish college, this, after a couple of nights of my dad crying on my shoulder and him telling me a bunch of stuff i would have rather not known (which still haunt me today). I really want to move on with my life and just put this stuff behind me - forget about it and move on. Somehow, i can't. I feel like a pussy for not being able to move on. Now, i live with my mom and she is dating that "other guy". Oh fucking well.. I'm an adult, deal with it. Right?

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    1. Remember your dad kicked your mom out.

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    2. You are not a pussy for having trouble dealing with your parents divorce. It turns your world upside down.its challenged everything you have known about family and relationships. It's important to talk to both of your parents to tell them how their divorce has made you feel also to talk to supportive friends . Things will get better but it will always hurt in one way or another. You have balls for living with your mum and her new man. I certainly could not have lived with my dad and the string of erm home wreckers he cheated on my mum with.

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  11. Didn’t know this site or even ACOD existed until today. Just an hour ago I got a phone call from my dad. He started the conversation with “I have some bad news” Then told me that he and my mum were splitting up as they had grown apart! My mum then told me that she had been unhappy for years and if it was not for my wedding last year, they probably would have split up sooner. I know that I’m and adult (26) and I should act like one, but I really don’t want to. I know that if this is what they want that I should support them, but I can’t. I feel as though every happy memory is a lie. I prided myself on the fact that out of rather large family my parents were the ones who were still together and I was not a statistic. I am/was basing my marriage on theirs and that they have always seemed so happy and been able to work through everything......was this all just a lie? I worry for my 19yr old brother who still lives at home and the effect on him, I worry that he and I will feel as though we have to take sides. I worry for the future and what will happen when they sell the family home. Right now my world feels shattered. I was due to go home to visit my family next weekend and right now I feel as though I don’t have a family to go home to.

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  12. Thank you.
    1 hour ago I did not know there was a name for what I am.
    I read your post and just started crying. I'm 33 and its been almost 10 years since my parents seperated. I was very upset at the start but then let life distract me. I got married and now have a family of my own.
    I am only beginning to realise now that I have not really dealt with the break up of my parents yet.
    My greatest fear is that i will make the same mistakes my parents did and lose my own family.

    I think because I have never really felt like I should have to deal with anything I have tried to just bury it and "deal with it" like a grown up.

    Your post has made me realise I do need to deal with how I feel but that there is nothing wrong with that. Now I just need to figure out how to talk to my wife about it without losing her respect.

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    1. Omg!!!! I am so relieved on one hand to hear others feeling this way......my parents split after 26years together, around 4years ago. I was ok when it happened I did not like it by any means but I was strong for both and my little sister and took role of the supporting adult child......now all has settled down and they live completely different lives now both of them not content but living htier lives, and over the last 2months I have hit rock bottom with all these emotions that I could not explain....until I read this thread and blog.....the feelings I am having are really effecting my daily life for example I am surrounded by my partners family who is intact and so family oriented it's great by makes me feel like an absolute outsider who is lonely and ashamed....I have 2amazing kids who I adore and am so proud of yet I feel I am letting them down due to not having that family "home" gran and grandads home my parents home which no longer exist and the fact I have no feeling of security and confidence.....yet my boyfriends sister has kids and I have to sit and watch how a real family operates and her kids get both grandparents time and comforts and security....I feel so bad and jelouse of this as I cannot give this to my kids from my parents and I also feel jelouse that she has that relationship and I don't.....I hate myself for feeling this way I am such a happy confident person normally.....it's really hitting me hard just all of a sudden.....please tell me my feelings are normal.....

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  13. I was sooooo helped by this blog when I found it a few years ago!! I started my own blog almost a year ago to share help and hope that I received along my journey. Please visit
    http://acodtimeforserenity.blogspot.com if you are interested in topics such as grief, anger, identity, the rings, the holiday....etc..
    Rev/ Tali was such an inspiration and support to me through her blog ..I am indebted to her....wish I still could read her most recent thoughts ....but there IS help and hope and healing....and you are not alone!!!!

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  14. i'm glad i found this blog. my parents have separated after about 35 years of marriage. it was a messy breakup involving my dad having possible affairs for the last 13 years. not sure who i believe but my mum has moved out. they havent got on for years or even slept in the same bedroom for the last 10 or so years so i'm not really surprised. i dont feel like my happy memories are lies or anything that i've noticed other people are saying, but i just feel so bad for them being alone now. my dad says that all he ever wanted was to have a family and hes worked so hard to provide for all of us and i feel like we've all left him- me and my sisters all moved out years ago for college etc, and now my mum has gone and hes in this big family house by himself. i feel guilty for not being there for him, does anyone else feel like this?

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    1. Your father is surviving. He has a place to live. They both need your support. Just love them. Both of them..

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  15. My parents told me two months ago that they're divorcing...they just don't love each other anymore...The hardest part is that I am the oldest of 3 and they told me a month before my middle sister and they're telling my little sister tonight, carrying the burden of knowing and not having anyone to rely on is literally tearing me apart. I just recently began reading articles about ACOD's and its been helping a lot. I just wish I knew how to help a 14 year old cope, i'm 22 and it's still difficult.

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  16. As an only child, to find out my mum had wanted to leave my dad since before I started uni, and just waited until I was "settled in" makes me feel so guilty. I tried to tell them I'd leave uni, if they'd stay together.
    Now they both have new partners, and I do like them, I do, but my mum has moved with her boyfriend four hours away, my dad is constantly at his girlfriend's beck-and-call, and I have graduated uni, thinking, well, what do I do now. I feel like a chore for my dad because he has to fit in seeing me at our home around seeing his girlfriend with her three kids, like my mum only wants me around if her boyfriend is busy and if he is, she stays on her phone to text him constantly, and I just don't know what to do. I like knowing there are other ACODS out there, and are going through the same as myself.

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  17. I am a 28 year old female, and I have been struggling to cope with my parents' divorce ever since their separation 2 years ago. I moved out of my parents' home when I was 24. The divorce came as a shock to everyone that knew my parents, including me. 4 years prior to the divorce, my younger brother began battling drug addiction while living with my parents. In the meantime, my grandmother (maternal) passed away at 65 years old from a brain tumor/cancer. My mom struggled with the death of her mother while still trying to do what was best for my brother. I stepped in where I could to help. My brother nearly overdosed on heroin probably more times than I realized. My mom began going out on the weekends with new friends, and then started going out during the week. My dad was alone many nights. Very shortly after my parents' divorce, my dad began dating a younger woman that he had previously worked with...one that my mom was not too fond of. Now, I feel as though my family has parted and I'm left standing. Everyone tells me they feel sorry for me and that there isn't anything that I can do. They tell me that I'm the one that got caught up in the situation but did nothing wrong. I don't care about any of that. I just want to be able to move on with my life. I am hurt because I feel that my family forgot what life is all about. They have disregarded what I knew for 25 years. My boyfriend is tired of seeing me cry all the time, and I am embarrassed to say that I don't know how to deal with this.

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  19. I have only just found this blog and my heart goes out to everyone who has left comments. Our parents seem to think that just because we are adults it not affecting us. They tell us your dad/mum left me not so it shouldnt affect you you yet we feel like our world has smashed into millions of tiny pieces. My dad left my mum 8 years ago. He admitted to affairs and left us for his whore of the moment. My dad has remarried but not to the one he left mum for and I didn't go to the wedding coz emotionally I couldn't do it. My dad went on and on at me for not going. He was really insensitive throughout the break up and divorce. He said things like I wish you were a fly on the wall to see how happy I am and he told me to get over it I'm happy now. I hated him for it.he didn't seem to care about my feelings at all because he was happy. I do talk to him now but I haven't forgiven or forgotten. I like his other half but I resent her as she is living the life my mum should be living and he is treating her like a queen like my mum should have been treated. Time does heal but the sadness comes and goes especially at Christmas coz now I'm supposed to split my time up between them. I guess I just do what makes me happy. I'm not sad about it all the time but it gets me sentimental at times. I just hope I have a better relationship than my parents did. I hope you all find what makes you happy.
    Hope you all have a Merry Christmas 😊

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